If you’ve recently received an autism diagnosis for your child, there’s probably a lot going through your mind. Take a deep breath and just pause for a moment. I have a few things you might need to hear.
1. An Autism diagnosis changes nothing about your child.
Yes, the diagnosis will have an impact on your everyday life. The future you imagined for your child might need modifying, too. However — your son or daughter is still the same child they were before the appointment. Their diagnosis changed nothing about them. It has not altered any of the wonderful things that make them the child you know and love. It has not tainted the love they have for you or that you have for them.
The only difference between before the appointment and after is that now you know more about their neurology. Being diagnosed with autism means that your child’s brain processes things differently. Thinking differently has brought the world some of our greatest innovations and inventions. Different is OK.
2. You didn’t do anything wrong.
You are not the cause of your child’s autism. I promise you didn’t do anything wrong. Tell yourself that as often as you need to. Write it down on a post-it and stick it on your bathroom mirror. Yes, there may be a genetic component. But you didn’t actively DO anything to change your child’s neuropathways. It is how your child is wired. It makes them different, not defective. Don’t feel guilty and don’t blame yourself.
Your child is not broken, and you’re not a bad parent.
3. Give yourself the space to accept the diagnosis and what it will mean for you and your child.
Finding out your child is on the autism spectrum can trigger lots of emotions. You might be relieved that your child’s differences or delays finally have a name. You might feel devastated, like someone knocked the floor out from under you. I felt all that and more, sometimes all at once. It’s a lot to take in. It might mean a lot of planning, therapies, changes, and challenges. It’s OK to freak out a little.
Work through those feelings and find a way to make peace with the diagnosis — you already started by reading this post. Do what you need to do in a healthy way to be OK with it. If that means reading parenting blogs, go for it. If you need to find a support group or binge watch shows every night so you don’t consult Dr. Google, that’s OK too.
When you’re OK with your child and the way they are, you’ll be better equipped to advocate for them and help them navigate the world.
4. Autism affects each person differently.
Autism is a spectrum disorder. It affects your child differently than it affects mine. There are kids who only have trouble with socializing and it takes years for them to be diagnosed. Other children have so many delays that they can be diagnosed as early as 18 months. Some have tremendous difficulty communicating, and some don’t talk at all. Some kids fixate on a subject while others don’t.
There’s a variety of factors that go into how severe the autism is — genetics, comorbid diagnoses, and a whole host of other things. That’s why only a professional like a Developmental Pediatrician can diagnose autism in the first place.
It is also the reason why there is no one magic pill or treatment to manage the challenges that come with autism. You’ll find the things that work for your child through assistance from professionals and a whole lot of trial and error. It is no different than finding the best way to parent any other child; you’ll just have a bigger team to help you. Keep trying. Don’t give up on your kid. Just make sure the treatment is evidence-based and not harmful to your child.
5. An ASD diagnosis opens doors.
You never want to hear that your child has a diagnosis that will have a lifelong impact. However, when your child receives an autism diagnosis, it is easier for you to qualify for a multitude of services. Most insurance companies require an official diagnosis before they will consider paying for therapies and treatments.
In other words, things will likely get better from here. They may not be easy — insurance companies will still give you a hard time, therapies need time in order to show progress, there will be days when it looks like you’re doing all of it for nothing. You will have to find the things that work for your child. However, you’ll have more opportunities for things to improve, and that’s what you and your child need.
Remember that without the diagnosis, things would keep moving the way they were going. Chances are, that wasn’t working for you.
6. Therapy is great, but more isn’t always better.
Many kids with autism have therapy most days, some both in school and out. It depends on their needs and the severity of their autism. It also depends on how much the two of you can handle. You’re not going to be helping yourself or your child by running both of you into the ground.
Let your kid be a kid sometimes. Everyone needs downtime in order to recharge. You can find ways to integrate therapy into regular activities so it doesn’t feel like so much work. You can also just sit back sometimes and let them learn that fourth language through Youtube videos. Find a balance between the therapy and living life.
7. Finally, remember: just keep swimming.
You’ll have good days, where you handle everything with grace and calm. You will have bad days where you’ll be the exact parent you swore you would never be. It’s OK. Just keep going.
Your child will have great days and they’ll have days that the smallest thing makes life too difficult for them to handle. Help them work through it.
Talk to the therapy team, they are there to help you. Ask questions. If something isn’t working, be honest about it. If you need support, ask for it — give specifics, and ask often. Reach out to others even when your instinct is to insulate yourself and your family.
Just keep going. You’ll get there.
Image under CC license.